1. Boy Scouts

A lot of my personal philosophy comes from Boy Scouts.

The Scout Oath

On my honor I will do my best to do my duty to God and my country and to obey the Scout Law; to help other people at all times; to keep myself physically strong, mentally awake, and morally straight.

The Scout Law

A Scout is:
TRUSTWORTHY. Tell the truth and keep promises. People can depend on you.
LOYAL. Show that you care about your family, friends, Scout leaders, school, and country.
HELPFUL. Volunteer to help others without expecting a reward.
FRIENDLY. Be a friend to everyone, even people who are very different from you.
COURTEOUS. Be polite to everyone and always use good manners.
KIND. Treat others as you want to be treated. Never harm or kill any living thing without good reason.
OBEDIENT. Follow the rules of your family, school, and pack. Obey the laws of your community and country.
CHEERFUL. Look for the bright side of life. Cheerfully do tasks that come your way. Try to help others be happy.
THRIFTY. Work to pay your own way. Try not to be wasteful. Use time, food, supplies, and natural resources wisely.
BRAVE. Face difficult situations even when you feel afraid. Do what you think is right despite what others might be doing or saying.
CLEAN. Keep your body and mind fit. Help keep your home and community clean.
REVERENT. Be reverent toward God. Be faithful in your religious duties. Respect the beliefs of others.

Scouting America. What are the Scout Oath and Scout Law? Retrieved from archive.org

While these anchors are lofty goals, I often question whether I deserve my Eagle Scout award. I am an atheist, and even at the time I knew I was some flavor of queer. I had to lie on my application, and it still haunts the award. I declined my Court of Honor in penance.

Not to mention my other failings now. I make promises that I fail to keep. I am often impolite, either accidentally or because I don’t care to extend politeness. I am not cheerful, or thrifty, or brave or clean or reverent.

Maybe if I could reach these ideals, I would not be depressed. Maybe I could feel confident that I am worthy of my own life.

2. Never Cruel, nor Cowardly

Even this simple tenant from Steven Moffat’s run of Dr. Who, I fail to reach. While I try my best not to be cruel, I am cowardly. I am scared of actions which might destabilize my life. I prefer a well-trodden path, one with safeguards and one which doesn’t rock the boat.

3. Nihilism

Nihilism was a dangerous thing for me to learn. A philosophy devoid of inherent moral character. One which says that there is no point to the universe, and all action is equally pointless. Nihilism grabs my mind in its dark corners and whispers like a devil on my shoulder. For a stressed, queer, suicidal college student, nihilism is a drug.

And the others

I am a product of western society. Of New England values. Ones I cannot begin to identify, or if I could, I cannot escape.

So What?

So… I feel like a failure. I wish I were things that I am not. I justify inaction through cowardice. I take the easy path, paved ahead of me. I convince myself that the easy path is acceptable. Certainly no one can judge me for taking a path that so many others do. Nihilism offers no judgement here. So why do I feel so depressed that I cannot, or will not, achieve something more?

I wish I were disciplined. I wish I were brave. I wish I took risks or cared about that outside of my sight.

I wish I could hold true to promises, instead of making them to ease conflict, and later failing. I wish I were this ideal the Scout Law puts forward. Even the religious aspects. Wouldn’t it be easier to accept that there is a plan? To accept that there is forgiveness for my sins and my transgressions?

Do most modern Christians even believe in that? Despite saying it every week?

I Believe

I believe that life is more interesting than death. I have to, or the Nihilism will take hold and I will cease. I believe that there is no evidence for God, except as a tool of society. I believe that doing things which enrich or support the lives of other people is inherently worthwhile. I believe that actions at home are more important than actions abroad; at least more important for myself. I believe that pride in my work and my actions is a sign that I am doing something worthwhile. I believe that goverment exists to fulfil the needs of it’s population that any individual citizen or company cannot fulfil on their own. I believe that politics is the process by which we decide how to spend our tax dollars. I believe that there is no such thing as cheating in real life; only broken promises and subjugation of others. I believe that humanity is capable of great things. I believe that our current economic system does not incentivize decisive, coordinated action. I believe that I have the right not to form an opinion on any given matter. I believe that I have the right to inaction. I believe that inaction is a choice unto itself. I believe that we will survive. I believe that I will survive. I believe that there are other people more motivated, more skilled, and more effective out there fighting the fight. I believe that I am doing the best I can. That if I were capable of doing better, I would. I believe that this too, shall pass.

I come from the land of steady habits. I come from the land of rolling hills. Life is not a climb up a mountain. It is a slow, winding hike uphill. It takes time. It is supposed to take time. It is hard in some parts and easier in others. Sometimes your path takes you downhill. It has to. That is the way the path goes. You will meet many people on the hike. Sometimes you will walk with them. Sometimes you will walk alone. Sometimes they will fade into the trees and you will never see them again. There is no wrong way to hike the mountain, as long as you are putting one foot in front of the other. You don’t need to reach the top. The hike itself is the reason we walk.